Wednesday, October 04, 2006
4:57 PM
Sidenote: Copied this off an Indonesian scholar's blog. Does make you reconsider their position and difficulties, and want to reach out to them, doesn't it?
Have you ever been in this situation where you are sitting with a bunch of people, and you just stone there, not knowing what to say, while they are talking animatedly at the top of their voices amongst themselves?
And you feel so left out, so alienated, so excluded.
Yeah, imagine that situation almost everyday, happening for more than 1 year already. I really don't know why now it's so hard to strike up a conversation with anyone, especially my classmates and schoolmates.
I always run out of things to say; most of the time all I can think of is very boring basa-basi like, "What homeworks do we have tomorrow? I haven't touched my RS le..Oh no, I forgot to bring my worksheets! (which I do really often lately).
How sad is that? Pathetic. Then after that, my brain goes blank and I can't continue to say a word. This is not the worst yet.
Even if my classmates are saying things like, "Hey I like your wallet! (which, sadly, has gone missing now)" "Aiyah, you play tennis so nice le! Stop playing stop playing, I don't wanna see you play already!" (jokingly of course), or "Ahhhh, you're back! We miss you! -hugs-" when I came back to school after being hospitalized, all I can manage to say are very pathetic one-liners like yes and thank you without much intonation or enthusiasm.
Whoa.
I have never been someone who can open up so easily with strangers, and I do get uncomfortable with them. But at the very least, I could interact much much better than this. I used to be very loud, until people had to remind me to shut up at times. I was someone much less reserved, more expressive; someone with at least a warmer and a more lively spirit than I am today.
Now I appear almost emotionless. I have no idea what the hell has happened to me or what has gotten into me.It is hard to live on like this. I have almost no real friends (to add on to this problem, I am someone who is not satisfied with just normal, usual friendship; I want a deeper, stronger friendship like the ones I have (or had) I can talk to almost no-one.
I had been ignoring this for months, but at the start of the year I decided that I couldn't continue this anymore. I promised myself to change, to try harder to blend in, but it's been 1 1/2 months already and things hasn't changed much.
Am I supposed to just accept things the way they are? I don't want to, but at this point of time I don't know what else to do anymore.
Cheers,me
Bid me crew avast! Keep yer banner high
Classed, forever a class :)
Class of our own
Wind be at yer backs, sails never slackin'
